Multi-Level dadcraft: Nonessential Oils

  by Andrew Wolgemuth

So your wife has developed a successful multi-level marketing program and you’re feeling left out? I’ve got just the solution, sir.

I’m confident you’re familiar with the oils that make life on this earth possible. The oils that are, one might say, essential to living and central to your existence. Eucalyptus oil … your hairs need nourishing, after all. Lavender oil … giddy spells don’t know what hits ‘em. Tea Tree oil … as if you’d allow dry cuticles to reside on your fingernails. Melaleuca oil … you don’t have time for fungus on your athletic foots. Thieves oil … what else do they expect you to flavor your homemade toothpaste with?

Oils such as these are the lifelines of dads everywhere, critical to survival and key to the good life. These precious oils come from plants, and if White Snake Root, Wolfsbane, Poison Ivy, and Cauliflower have taught us anything, it’s that Plants = Safe every time.

All that to say: we’ve been there, done that as far as essential oils are concerned. No need to plow those fields again.

No, the opportunity that I’d like to present to you now is a new field, a blue ocean of purple cows. Friend, it’s the untapped field of nonessential oils, and these oils basically sell themselves. Your starter set includes the following:

  • Used Cooking Oil – Think less about the “used” aspect of this oil and consider more the investment potential. Look at the American diet. Is demand for this key frying component going to continue to rise or are we going to get healthy? Are you going to insist your children eat baked chips and select the side salad instead of the fries? Buy this oil now before increased demand pushes prices higher.
  • Black Truffle Oil – Grapeseed oil isn’t hoity toity enough for you? Consider the oil of the black truffle. Well, it’s not likely to be made from actual truffles … but it will deliver that delightful flavor of the fruiting body of a subterranean Ascomycete fungus that you’re craving … the missing flavor that your kids are looking for in so many dinners.
  • Oil oil – It might not be essential in the branding sense, but this oil will transport you and your kiddos where you need to go. Whether via minivan, vespa, or pickup, oil oil powers your vehicles and your home, ensuring the lights stay on and your kids make it to school on time.
  • Fish Oil – Wikipedia defines this one pretty straightforwardly: “Fish oil is oil derived from the tissues of oily fish.” Got it? That sounds so great that one doesn’t even need to know what it does (ease your creaky dad-joints, basically) to know that it’s clearly an oil worth having.
  • Mafia-produced Olive Oil – Your elderly acquaintances may already have shared this 60 Minutes exposé with you (full disclosure: I love 60 Minutes and I’m not that elderly), and they likely consider Mafia ties to olive oil to be a bad thing. Um … no. There are boring old olive oil farmers, and then there are Agromafia farmers. I imagine such farmers are on the hipster end of the Mafia spectrum, naming their children Lucca and Alessio, and making only organic offers that one cannot refuse and sending folks to sleep with fishes with concrete shoes that don’t harm dolphins, baby seals, sea turtles or the polar ice caps.

So … act now. Don’t wait. Get in on the bottom level of the latest, greatest oil-focused multi-level marketing craze.

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If this pitch sounds compelling to you, you may want to review what not to text your wife. Also consider the importance of grit, a trait that can’t be derived from any oil (nonessential or otherwise).

Picture by Nekenasoa; Used via Creative Commons license. Amazon links are affiliate links.